Weeding the Web

Allotment growers emerge blinking into spring

As activity at the allotment cranks up, have you seen these characters?

“The species allotment growers and its two sub groups: allyearroundi (seen every month of the year, harvesting in any weather),and hibernatei (finishes in October,clears the ground and reappears the next year).

"Spring is close because hibernatei has been sighted,wearing the Christmas present of new gloves. (What else do you give an allotment holder?)

"Contemplating the patch that had been left clean but is now growing weeds and covered with leaves,hibernatei faces its first big decision of the year. Which essential tool to use first – spade, fork, hoe or thermos flask? That initial decision determines the remainder of your season. It is imperative to make the right choice as a stewed thermos of tea or coffee can ruin everything.”

Well, it certainly made me giggle. Over at the Horsell Allotments, Chairman David Inns writes the allotment blog for the Woking News and Mail. It’s well worth following, not just for his wit. He’s currently conducting an experiment to see whether fresh chicken manure will help in combating club root in his brassicas. (Note: follow David's blog at a new address from March 2010)

Howicks Nursery game for a laugh

Here’s one way to attract people to your website. Howicks Nursery, suppliers to garden centres, nurseries, local authorities and landscapers, think they’re rather good at getting their deliveries out and, to prove the point, have kindly added Packets, a simple game where you try to load lorries before too many packing cases pile up behind you.

Pathetically addictive.

2013 update: Howicks' website sadly doesn't have this game any more. There's a delivery game at Truck Games 365

Cabbage Types - which are you?

Sadly, and perhaps inevitably, the website mentioned below has disappeared. Oh, Well, it was fun while it lasted. (9/2016)

A lot of us will be transplanting spring cabbages about now. Do you look at your seedlings and think, Gosh, I wish I was a cabbage? No? Well, be ready to change your mind.

Cabbages gain a whole new personality (OK, forget the “new”) in The Page that Turns You into a Cabbage.

Created in New Zealand (don’t get out much down there, huh, chaps?) it’s the most fun I’ve had (on a website, I hasten to add) for some time. Download your personal cabbage converter/anti-converter, post your experience as pak choy, and sing along with the cabbage anthem. The cabbage FAQ explains how to deal with your new identity and there are a couple of serious pages about different types of cruciferae.

Go on, you know you want to.

Lawn Care: the view from above

Apologies if you’ve heard this - it’s out there on plenty of sites — but I couldn’t resist.

GOD: Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistles and stuff I started aeons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colours by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.

ST. FRANCIS: It’s the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers “weeds” and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

Jeremy Clarkson's gardening advice

What is Jeremy Clarkson’s weeding implement of choice?

Have a gardening giggle from Boomclips.

Funny videos

Indoor Gardening Tips from a Man Who’s Very Scared of Plants

Another garden giggle in this clip from Saturday Night Live Christopher Walken makes eye contact with threatening greenery and ferns will never seem the same again.

It’s getting hard to track down as some of the sites which used to carry it can’t now broadcast in the UK. Have a giggle now before it disappears from the web completely.